New manager faces resistence from older subordinates who refuse to recognize their promotion: 'The employee responds to any form of feedback as a personal attack'

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    The original thread shared

    New manager (35f) catching some disrespect from two tenured direct reports (56f) and (70f) New Manager I'm a new manager, have been in my role about 3 months and have three direct reports, all whom I worked closely with for about a year prior to being promoted. I had great relationships with all of these ladies prior to becoming their manager, and part of the reason I was hired into this role was my ability to get along with everyone. I have never had an issue with anyone at work.
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    Since being promoted, one of my direct reports is great (28f). She has a great attitude, we get along wonderfully, does her best and is a dream to work with. The other two I am having struggles with. I am not sure if it is because of my age or another reason, I just find it interesting that I'm suddenly having issues with the two who are older than me.
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    My (70f) direct report is not openly confrontational, yet I have overheard her on a couple of occasions making unwarranted snarky comments. For example, I was not at my desk one day when she called me. As I was walking back to my desk, she did not hear me coming and I overheard her say to another employee "what is she doing, just ignoring her phone?" There are frequent passive aggressive comments and I've seen her roll her eyes at me a few times as well (when she thought I wasn't looking, of cou
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    The (56f) is the one I'm having the most problems with. She has a history already of being a very anxious and sensitive employee. She did not have a good relationship with the person in my position before, and has used some alarming terms to describe her relationship with the ex manager, saying she was "controlling" and "abusive" to her. After working with her in my new role, I don't believe this is true. I believe the employee responds to any form of feedback as a personal attack and relays it
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    around her since my promotion. She is more tenured than me, and my manager shared with me that her over-sensitivity is the very reason she was not offered the position I have now. My biggest issue with her is that she is already developing a pattern of trying to go past me to my boss directly. If I make a suggestion she will not take it unless it comes from him. She will also try to intercept tasks that he has given to me, do them, and take them to him to receive credit (on Friday I had an issue
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    I have tried to give it time and I have tried being friendly, but it doesn't seem to be working. For example the other morning I bought breakfast for my team. (70f) and (56f) declined to have any, and (70f) even commented she would have rather had something from a different restaurant. It's clear I need a different approach, but I'm not sure what that is. I would prefer not to get my boss involved because I don't want it to look like I can't get along well with everyone after all. Any and all ad
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    TheOrange Ocelot With both employees this sounds like they would be an issue for any manager. Ultimately they're unfortunately probably going to maintain an "us vs. the manager" attitude that probably has less to do with your age than their personalities. As you note, there's a reason you got the job and they didn't.
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    For the eye roller, deploy a very chipper demeanor. It really doesn't matter if she's cranky behind your back as long as she gets her job done, but if she's making comments not realizing you're there, something like "oh! I wasn't checking my phone but I'm here now! What's up?" with a smile in your voice should be enough to let her know that you're hearing her little comments and you're not going to engage with whatever game she has going on in the background. Sometimes the best way to deal with
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    For the one going around you, connect with your manager. Let them know that you'd appreciate their cooperation with sending this employee back to you whenever they try to go around. And that you'll want them to back you up in moments when you need to say "I'd appreciate it if you followed the direction I'm providing. If we need to sit down with manager to clarify assignments I'm happy to do that." Your boss will hopefully appreciate that you're trying to take this person and managing the team dy
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    genek1953 Retired Manager Your relationship with your former coworkers has changed, and you are now their boss. You don't have to still be friends or even like each other, but you are still their boss. If their attitudes affect their individual work performance or team cohesion, hold them accountable through the employee review process.
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    SnooRecipes9891 I agree you need to hold them accountable but don't wait for the review process. You should be having regular 1:1s, add any incident to the agenda and confront them on their behaviors. If it keeps happening, write them up with HR.
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    AmoebaMysterious5938 Younger one thought that she would be getting the manager position. She wants to show how capable she is. In 3 months or so, she will understand that the management is supporting you, and she will be looking for a job somewhere else, but you need to be careful that you don't make mistakes. Treat her with respect and make sure everything is in writing, and she can't blame you for not being clear.
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    UPDATE: New manager (35f) catching some disrespect from two tenured direct reports (56f) and (70f) New Manager Since the original post, things have escalated with (56f) to the point of a mediation meeting with myself and two other managers. After my original post, (56f) continued to have behavioral issues to the point that working together was difficult, such as not speaking to me, taking on too many tasks including mine and not allowing me to assist, etc. I went and spoke with my manager about
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    The following day the employee was still not speaking to me. I tried to open a conversation by asking if she was okay, and she said she was not. I invited her to discuss this with me and she flat out told me no. When I spoke to my manager again, he informed me that after he and I spoke, she had put in a complaint that I was making her do too much of the work. We scheduled a mediation meeting for the following day.
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    Mediation happened, and I'm not entirely sure I'm satisfied with how it went. There were four people present: my direct report, me, my manager and another manager. It was essentially a vent session where both parties were allowed to speak. What I liked: -DR was told that she cannot continue to have episodes where she does not speak to me and goes over my head without allowing me a chance to resolve the conflict. -Our job responsibilities were more clearly defined in the meeting so there would be
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    What I did not like: -I was cautioned for my "tone" in the meeting, while DR included several personal insults and used the f word at one point and was not corrected. After the meeting I was told by the other manager that DR had a past abusive relationship and needs space to be able to "feel like she able to stand up for herself". While I am sympathetic to her past, I don't feel that she should be held to a different standard of conduct in the workplace because of her past trauma.
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    I don't feel like the conflict was truly resolved, as there seems to be an underlying tension with this employee that I'm not sure will ever go away. I'm a little wary of the situation, but I suppose the only thing to do from this point is to proceed as normal and hope for the best. Tomorrow is a new day.
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    Ok_Complex_2917 17 hr. ago Start looking. Your manager is an idiot. Bidenomics-helps . 9 hr. ago that. Put her on a pip.
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    stuckinnowhereville 14 hr. ago She's an adult....so should behave professionally as an adult. This place is ridiculous.
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    rootsandchalice · 15 hr. ago Leave this workplace. She's acting this way because you're half her age and she doesn't like it. She doesn't like you. Full stop. Taking on a bunch of senior employees is always going to be tough when they are this senior. It would be nice if one retired at least. Nonetheless this isn't a good place to grow your leadership.
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    KeyserSozeNI 15 hr. ago. We are gonna give her some leeway, we arent gonna give you any is basically what they said.
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    • maryjanevermont · 13 hr. ago They are backing her not you. They have decided for whatever reasons, to tolerate her before and after you, start to look for another place
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    craa141 14 hr. ago If you have an HR department engage them but go back to your manager and tell them that while you will you your part to try to mend the relationship recognizing her past trauma they are inflicting trauma on you right now and supporting a clearly toxic employee. Regarding the tone and the employee being allowed to swear, managers can and should be held to a higher standard but not to the point of the employee bullying you or inflicting trauma on you. Stick to the fact that they
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    Purple_oyster · 16 hr. ago . edited 16 hr. ago How many employees do you have? If only a few then this will be an issue for you. If a bunch then focus on your team and start moving work away from her. Edit, oh I see 3 people. Is the 70 year old getting close to retirement? It would be nice to Hire someone good to replace her trained by you and the good employee. With 2 good employees you don't have to worry as much about the disgruntled employee. Make them leave

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